Friday, December 31, 2010

Survey fun

Okay, gang, I'm doing an online survey this morning and encountered this question:

"Of your epilepsy patients who are taking multiple anti-seizure medications, how many of them are on only 1 medication?"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Reasons to strangle a patient

One of my epilepsy patients called this morning, asking if we could move up her appointment from next week to today. We're full today, and couldn't do it.

So a few minutes later she called back. She told Mary she'd had 3 seizures last night, and urgently needed to see me. So I added her on to the schedule, and crammed her in when I had a minute.

Dr. Grumpy: "So what happened? Mary said you had a bunch of seizures last night?"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "No, I just told her that. I wanted to get in today."

Dr. Grumpy: "You lied to Mary so you could get in a few days early?!!!"

Mrs. Abouttobethrottled: "Well, your office is closed tomorrow, and next week my office visit co-pay goes from $20 to $30."

"I, uh, had my skin darkened, like Michael Jackson, but the opposite way."

Folks, if you're trying to use someone else's ID, please remember that they should at least be a similar race and sex to you.

Not like this guy.

Thank you, Mike!

That about covers it

While seeing a new consult at the hospital last night, I found this line in the admitting doctor's note:

"I think the patient had a TIA, or stroke, or headache, or some other type of neurology thing."

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Mr. Ford: "I've been doing some fun stuff. I got a role in Local Theater's new play."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds cool. Do you have any acting experience?"

Mr. Ford: "Yeah, I sold cars for 20 years."

Marital status

Like other doctors' offices, my patient information form features the typical questions, including "Marital Status?"

Usually someone writes something simple, like "married", "single", "divorced", "widowed". Or even just letters like M, S, D, or W.

But some people feel the need to make this a bit more personal.

I've actually seen the following:

"Single, and desperate."

"Divorced x 3, widowed x 2, separated x 2."

"Married, but it's an open marriage."

"Married, and hate the bitch."

"Single, but I sleep with my boyfriend."

"Single. Is Mary available?"

"Single. My phone number is below, please call if interested."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tuesday night criminal tip

Attention crooks:

If you're going to steal a TV from a delivery van, it is NOT recommended that you do so from one parked near a police station. Or subsequently wheel it past the police station in a shopping cart. Or wear something as conspicuous as full-body military camouflage while doing so.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Linda!

Minor differences

Dr. Grumpy: "How much coffee do you drink?"

Mr. Java: "None. I quit last month because my cardiologist told me to cut out codeine."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean caffeine."

Mr. Java: "Aren't they the same thing?"

Instruction manual

Generally, by the time you reach my age, you should have some idea of how to eat the majority of things available at your local restaurants. As a kid you learn pretty quickly that you should peel bananas & oranges before eating* and not eat the bones that are part of your chicken, or ribs, or T-bone steak. Cantaloupe and watermelon rinds aren't recommended consumption, either.

I, personally, don't expect a waiter to give me eating tips (unless I ask first). The only time one did was when Mrs. Grumpy dragged me to a fondue restaurant, and the waiter gave us a spiel on the proper ways to order and combine which foods with which fondue. We got up and left when he reached the 10 minute mark and showed no signs of stopping. I was afraid he was going to start a Powerpoint show.

But there's always someone who has to be different.

Thank you Dr. Fizzy!

*Think about it- SOMEWHERE in human history there was a poor sucker who tried to eat an unpeeled banana, and so all of us today have benefited from what they learned. I think their contribution to humanity is up there with the electric light, but you don't see a town named "Unknown Person Who Ate An Unpeeled Banana, New Jersey" do you?

Monday, December 27, 2010

There's drunk, and then there's REALLY drunk

Great idea. When you're caught driving drunk, just say you aren't.

Like this guy.

Thank you, Alison!

Sunday afternoon, 5:51 p.m.

"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Grumpy's. On Christmas eve I was at my daughter's house, and they all pointed out that I was dragging my right leg. It didn't hurt, and I didn't want to ruin the party, so I figured I'd see if it got better overnight. In the morning it wasn't any better, and my right arm and face were numb. But it was Christmas, and even though my granddaughter said I was talking funny, I didn't want to bother you, because it's, you know, a holiday. Besides, it made her laugh. She's so cute! Plus, my son had traveled all the way from Albuquerque to join us, and I didn't want to spoil things. Anyway, it's Sunday afternoon, and I'm on the way home after dropping my son off at the airport. So I'm calling to see if I can get an appointment to see you next week. Can someone please call me back in the morning?"

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Eye opener

In spite of all the freakin' snow we've had, Frank apparently hasn't gotten tired of building snowmen.

So last night he couldn't sleep, and I heard him doing this and that as I dozed. At some point in the wee hours he discovered that he could make a pseudo-clay from toilet paper, water, and glue.

So when I woke this morning, this was sitting on my night table, and was the first thing I saw upon opening my eyes.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Holiday reruns

For Christmas day I'm repeating this column from last year. It detailed my December 24th run to the grocery store.

Oh, 2 tomatoes, and some paper plates? No problem. Let me get my car keys.

Crap, Local Grocery is mobbed. Hey, bitch! Don't flip me off! I wasn't even looking at that parking space. Chill.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Salvation Army dude. My only cash is $3, but I'll gladly put it in your kettle.

What a fucking mob scene. Hey! Don't push me! I didn't even want the last shopping cart! I'm just here for some damn tomatoes, lady. Merry Christmas.

Hi, it's me. I have the tomatoes. What brand of paper plates do you want? No, it looks like they're out of those. Okay, I'll get Chinet. Says they're made from recycled paper. Hope it's not toilet paper.

No, Mr. Salvation Army. I gave you my last $3 on the way in. Remember? Merry Christmas.

Hello? No, just leaving. Lettuce? Yeah, hang on. I can go back. Looks like some guy in a Santa hat is yelling at the Salvation Army guy for blocking the door, but security is leading Santa away now. Shit, somebody took my parking space as soon as I pulled out. Let me find another one.

Sorry, Mr. McDonald's manager. I didn't realize this space was for McD's customers only. It's not marked that way. I'll move my car, don't worry. Merry Christmas.

Mr. Salvation Army, it's me again. I had to come back. You have my $3 already.

Lettuce... hey, stockperson, whatever sex you are, where's the lettuce? You only have 3 heads left? Wow. I had no idea there'd be such a rush on iceberg for Christmas. Well, this one looks like it's been dropped the least.

It's a self-checkout. Look, I don't recognize you as one of my Alzheimer's patients, but you obviously are not grasping how to work this thing. So go over to the cashier and check-out the old fashioned way. I think she's one of my dementia patients, so I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about while you hold up that line.

What the fuck! It's not taking my credit card! All I want is one fucking head of bruised iceberg lettuce!


How long will that take?


Well, fine. I'll go over to the ATM across the parking lot. Look at that line and NO, YOU BELL-RINGING ASSHOLE! YOU ALREADY HAVE MY $3! IF I HADN'T PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING KETTLE I'D HAVE BEEN HOME BY NOW!

This is the line for the ATM? There are 5 freaking ATM's here? Oh, great, the other 4 are all out of cash due to the Christmas rush. Fine, I'll wait.

Hello? No, I'm in line at an ATM. I need to get cash to buy lettuce and... Because I gave it to the Salvation Army guy, that's why! Look, it's taking longer than I thought!

NO, MR. SALVATION ARMY! I just got this $20 out of the ATM after waiting for 15 minutes, because I gave you my last $3 and now the credit card machine is broken, and if you approach me again I'm going to shove that fucking bell up your ass.


Fine I'll take this bag of salad instead, but it better be for the original $1.29. Merry Christmas.

Don't even think about it, Mr. Bell Ringing Salvation Army Guy.

When I got home Mrs. Grumpy told me she'd just found an extra head of lettuce in the refrigerator. She'd forgotten she'd bought one yesterday and put it in the produce drawer.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve history lesson

Quartzsite, Arizona is a small town along U.S. Interstate 10, and many just stop there for food and gas on the way to other places.

In the local cemetery is a small pyramid with a copper camel on top, marking the grave of a mostly forgotten man named Hadji Ali.

Very little information about his background is known. He was born in 1828 in what was then called Greater Syria (today that includes Syria, Israel, Lebanon and Cyprus). His parents were likely Bedouins. He was Muslim.

What is known is that he played a central role in what's now a mostly forgotten (but well worth remembering) oddity of American and Canadian history.

The idea was first proposed in 1836, but wasn't taken seriously until 1848. Following the Mexican-American war, the United States found itself in control of a large desert, covering what's now New Mexico & Arizona, and parts of Texas, California, and several other states. The U.S. Army needed to establish bases and supply lines in the area, both for the border with Mexico and the continuing wars with Indian tribes.

The railroad system was in it's infancy, and there were no tracks through the area. It's part of the largest desert in North America. The only way across was to use horses. But horses, like humans, are heavily dependent on water. This made the area difficult to cross, and vulnerable to attacking Apaches.

And so in 1855 Jefferson Davis, then U.S. Secretary of War (later to become President of the Confederacy during the Civil War), put into action an idea proposed by several officers: buy camels to serve in the desert. Congress appropriated $30,000 for the endeavor, and officials were sent to Turkey to do just that.

Between 1856-1857 the U.S. Army bought 62-73 camels, transporting them from Smyrna, Turkey to Indianola, Texas. To handle them they brought over 8 camel drivers, with Hadji Ali in charge.

The camels worked remarkably well... To a point.

They were perfect for the environment. The huge southwest desert didn't faze them. They led supply trains all over, from Texas to California. With their low need for water, and bodies specially adapted to arid environments, they easily crossed areas where horses and other pack animals couldn't.*

But there were problems. The Americans had envisioned combined forces of camels and horses, each making up for the deficiencies of the other. But horses and donkeys are frightened of camels, making joint convoys difficult and requiring separate corrals. The army was also unprepared for their intrinsically difficult personalities- camels bite, spit, kick, and are short-tempered. Horses are comparatively easy to handle.

With the start of the American Civil War, the U.S. Army Camel Corps was disbanded. Troops and horses were needed on the east side of the country, while camels weren't. Most of them escaped into the desert, and thrived there for a while. In an attempt to preserve them, the Arizona territory actually outlawed camel hunting, a law that's often scoffed at by those who don't know the reason behind it.

But the camel story didn't end there. One of the soldiers, Frank Laumeister, saw business opportunities in Canada. He bought a herd, and in 1862 took them north to British Columbia. The Cariboo gold rush was in progress, and pack animals were needed.

Canadian prospectors and a friend.

The results in Canada were mixed. The camels were strong, and could carry twice as much as mules. But their broad feet, while perfect for the sand and dirt of the desert, were cut up by the rocky terrain of the Pacific Northwest. It became necessary to make special protective shoes for them (given their difficult nature, it's unfortunate that history hasn't recorded how they responded to having shoes put on them).

The Canadians, like the Americans, discovered they weren't easy to handle. The same problems of difficult disposition and spooking horses came up. In addition, they found camels would eat anything they found. Hats. Shoes. Clothes that were out drying. Even soap. And so, after a few years, the Canadians gave up on the experiment, too.

But they weren't forgotten. A mountain range in British Columbia is called the Camelsfoot. The town of Lillooet has "The Bridge of the 23 Camels". A geographical basin is called "The Camoo".

Some camels were sold to farms. Others escaped into the wild. One was mistaken for a grizzly bear (WTF?) and shot, ending up briefly on a local bar's menu.

The last reliable sighting of a wild camel in Canada was in British Columbia, in the 1930's. The last sighting in North America was in Douglas, Texas in 1941- 85 years after the first ones had landed.

Two fiction movies have been based on the North American camel experiences: "Southwest Passage" (1954) and "Hawmps!" (1976). There's even a folk song called "Hi Jolly!" about them.

And what became of Hadji Ali?

His American hosts had trouble with his name, and pronounced it as a greeting: Hi Jolly! After the camel business shut down he decided to stay here, becoming a citizen in 1880. He tried his hand at several business, and married a woman named Gertrudis Serna in Tucson. They had 2 children. At some point he changed his name to Philip Tedro, but "Hi Jolly" is the name that stuck with him, and is on his Quartzsite tomb.

Hadji Ali and Gertrudis Serna

He prospected around the southwest U.S., occasionally working for the U.S. Army. Once, when offended that he hadn't been invited to a friend's party in Los Angeles, he broke it up by repeatedly riding through it in a wagon pulled by 2 of his remaining camels.

He spent the last few years of his life in Quartzsite, Arizona, dying in 1902. His adventures had impacted 2 countries and covered 3 continents. It had been 51 years since he'd left his native Middle East on one of the oddest military missions on record.

*Technically, it should be noted that camels are originally from North America. Really. Their ancestors evolved in North America 23-40 million years ago, but left. One group went west into Asia (then down to Africa), several million years ago, over the Bering Strait Land Bridge, evolving into today's camels. The rest migrated to South America 3 million years ago when the Isthmus of Panama formed, and became llamas and alpacas.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Genetics 101

Dr. Grumpy: "Any illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Gezundheit: (sneezes, blows nose) "Yeah, I caught this cold from my wife."

Today's featured gift #1

Today I'm presenting 2 gifts to wrap up this year's guide. A big "THANK YOU!" to all who sent in ideas. If yours didn't make it, don't despair. I'm saving some for posts over the year. Feel free to keep sending them, because I'm planning on doing this again next year. It's you guys who make it fun to write this.

And now, on to the gifts!

I have plenty of patients with migraines. I do my best to treat them. I have an arsenal of medications to work with.

But, if you prefer more touchy-feely ways of treating them, there's now this:

Yes, they are what you see: Goggles you strap to your face, with moving magnets on stems that rub you around your eyes. Batteries are even included!

Last week I polled 10 random migraine patients who came to the office, and all of them thought this gadget looked closer to being a torture chamber than a migraine treatment. One said "It looks like an iron maiden for the face!"

Today's featured gift #2

Do you miss your college apartment, with the leaky toilet that spontaneously flushed every hour (sometimes more)? Neither do I.

But if you do, now you can buy a clock that will recreate the experience!

Yes, for only $24.98 you can recreate that "cheap apartment with the alcoholic repairman who can never fix the damn thing" feel. Clock does not include rodents, sexually loud neighbors, or intoxicated roommate listening to Metallica at 3:00 a.m.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Mrs. Neck came in for a routine follow-up today, hobbling with her left foot in a cast.

Dr. Grumpy: "Good heavens! What happened?"

Mrs. Neck: "I broke my foot."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry. How did it happen?"

Mrs. Neck: "I was unpacking after our trip, and dropped the first aid kit on it."

And don't let them drink out of the toilet, either.

I'd like to thank Webhill, who noticed this at her doctor's office.

Today's featured gift

Maybe you're a bank robber with sensitive skin. Or Al-Queda has been recruiting you, but your delicate complexion can't handle the Afghanistan sun. Or you're a radiologist who shies away from that big yellow ball in the sky outside your nice, dark reading room.

Fortunately, Coolibar has a line of sun protection with people like you in mind.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Help! I'm being attacked by a giant spider!

Mary's desk, December 21, 2010

(Lady walks up to the counter, signs in)

Mary: "Um, your appointment was at 9:00, and it's now 9:28. I'm afraid we won't be able to see you."

Mrs. Notontime: "That's ridiculous. I'm here. You have to see me."

Mary: "I'm sorry. Dr. Grumpy tries to run on time, and has already started with his 9:30. Today is packed, but I can get you in on Thursday."

Mrs. Notontime: "This is illegal. You are in violation of state law, which defines being late for an appointment as more than 30 minutes. Therefore, at 28 minutes, I'm not late."

Mary: "Ma'am there is no such state law, and you're not going to be seen."

Mrs. Notontime: "I'm reporting you to the governor!"


Christmas catalogs

So many catalogs feature idyllic holiday scenes. Usually there's a Christmas tree in the middle, with presents piled under it. A few toys. Children playing in the background. Some mistletoe and holly. A fireplace. All trying to get you to order junk for people you don't like.

So why should a science supply company be any different? Shouldn't they have a holiday catalog, too?

(click to enlarge)

Because if finding a skull or anatomically-correct partially-dissected torso under a tree doesn't say "Merry Christmas!", I don't know what does.*

* Depending on the location of the tree. If it's one in your front yard, that isn't good.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Modern education

Mr. Phud: "I'm a college professor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, what do you teach?"

Mr. Phud: "Auto repair, financial planning, and photography."

Today's featured gift

"Hey, where should I put this quarter?"

We all like saving money, but it's important to have a bank.

And what could be more tasteful than one that allows you to stick it in a rectum, then farts when you do?

Makes a great gift for your proctologist!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Worst Christmas Story Ever

It's been 4 years since a friend sent me this holiday story.

I think it's time to share it with you guys.

Click here.

That's why they call it a stroke

Although I'm not on call, I somehow ended up getting dragged in to the hospital last night to do a consult.

Mr. Onan: "... Then my right arm just went limp, like a dead weight. I couldn't move it at all."

Dr. Grumpy: "What were you doing when this started?"

Mr. Onan: "I was, um, you know..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I don't."

Mr. Onan: "Um... I was masturbating."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh! Okay. So, when the right arm stopped working, what happened?"

Mr. Onan: "I switched to my left."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!! When did you call 911?"

Mr. Onan: "After I finished. Look, doc, Viagra is expensive, and I didn't want it to go to waste."

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Things you won't find for Kindle

Finding a good book can be tricky, even in this era of giant bookstores, online bookstores, and e-Book readers.

Until now.

Thanks to a remarkable website, it is now possible to get such intriguing volumes as:

A Popular History of British Seaweeds

The Armpit of Desire

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

How to make your own sex toys

Menopop- A menopause pop-up and activity book

"Wow! Where can I find such amazing titles" You ask? Click here.

Operators are standing by!

Friday, December 17, 2010

First impressions

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm Dr. Grumpy. Have a seat."

Mr. Pile: "Hi, Doc. Pleased to meet you. Hey, sorry about what I did to your lobby bathroom. It was like, a major league crap. You know what I mean?"

Today's featured gift

Need a tie or scarf for that special person? Neither do I. But if you do, wouldn't you want something like gonorrhea or ebola virus on it? Of course you would!

(click to enlarge)

Yes, now fashionable neckware for both sexes comes in an assortment of unpleasant pathogens, including plague, dust mites, and mad cow disease! Also available in not just 1, but 2 types of breast cancer!

Operators are standing by!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Local Nutritionist,

Thank you for dropping off some "Healthy Eating Whole Grain Low-Sugar Preservative-Free Cookies" at the office today, with a note saying that you want to help my staff eat healthy over the holidays.

I must say they've had some of the desired effect. The box's picture of an adult male wearing candy-cane-striped 1980's exercise short-shorts has made us all lose our appetites.

Wednesday afternoon rounds

Dr. Testosterone: "You paged me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I saw Mr. Trauma, who you consulted me on, and I'm just trying to get an idea of why you called me."

Dr. Testosterone: "Which patient was this?"

Dr. Grumpy: "He was riding his bike and was hit by a drunk driver, and suffered multiple fractures."

Dr.Testosterone: "Oh, yeah. I want your input as to why he fell off the bike. Did he have a seizure, or balance problem, or something like that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhh... Your dictation says he fell off because he was hit by a car!"

Dr. Testosterone: "So? My dictation doesn't mean anything."

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dumpster diving with Dr. Grumpy

After 10 years of faithful service, our office credit card machine won't be supported in 2011. Apparently some sort of new gadget is required. So I ordered one last week, and it came over the weekend.

Monday was a pretty frantic afternoon here, and Mary had to leave 15 minutes early to meet with her son's teacher. Since I was done with patients, and to procrastinate on dictations, I pulled out the old machine and installed the new, shiny, credit card gadget.

I tested it (it works) and on the way home tossed the old machine in the environmentally-friendly electronic recycling dumpster at Local Electronics Store.

So Tuesday morning Mary comes in, and runs back to my office. She looked frantic.

Mary: "Where's the old machine?!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I installed the new one last night."


Dr. Grumpy: "I put it in the recycling dumpster down the street."


Dr. Grumpy: "Calm down, I mean, how much could be in it? 10 or 20 bucks?"

Mary: "$458!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!!"

Mary: "You had a few cash-pay patients yesterday, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is my first one here yet?"

Mary: "No."

I grabbed my coat and yelled to Pissy's staff we'd be back in a few minutes. Mary and I ran to my car, and drove over to the dumpster.

Someone had left the lid open overnight, and so there was snow on the pile of computer monitors, old hard drives, iPods, and cell phones. In conduct unbecoming a neurologist, I climbed into the dumpster and frantically dug through the snow (forgot my gloves at the office, too). Several downtown homeless people stopped to watch, and one kindly yelled that there weren't any cans in there.

I found the machine, tossed it to Mary, climbed out, and we sped back to the office.

While I was with the first patient Mary transmitted billing from the old doodad and wiped its memory.

My patient asked why I didn't have my usual Diet Coke on my desk. I told her I didn't need it.

Matching microbiology

After you've handled the putter in the previous gift, you should definitely wash your hands. So you may want bacterial-themed soaps from this site.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. recommend good hygiene!

Today's featured gift

I know there are golf fanatics out there, who live to play.

But sometimes you can't get out to the course. Maybe the weather is bad. Or you're just too busy at work. Or you can't get a decent tee time.

And that's where this next gift comes in.

(click to enlarge)

Yes, it's a miniature golf course for your bathroom. It includes a putter, 2 balls (besides your own, guys) and a "Do Not Disturb" sign. I suppose you should also spring for some Clorox wipes to clean the putter between rounds.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Holiday travel tips

Attention potheads!

If you want to travel with marijuana and associated paraphernalia by plane, that's your business.

I'm sure there are many creative ways to try and keep airport security from noticing it.

HOWEVER disguising your marijuana grinder as a freakin' hand grenade isn't one of them!

Like this guy.

Thank you, Michelle!


Mr. Acei: "I have terrible back problems."

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of symptoms do you have?"

Mr. Acei: "My blood pressure goes up."

Dr. Grumpy: "But where does your back hurt?"

Mr. Acei: "My back feels fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why do you say you have back problems?"

Mr. Acei: "What else could make my blood pressure go up?"

Monday, December 13, 2010

Is there a doctor on board?

Now I, Dr. Grumpy, consider myself a reasonably good neurologist. And I stay in my comfort zone. I don't try to treat chest pain, snotty noses, or dogs.

And, unless I really had no other options, would definitely NOT pretend to be able to fly a plane.

But Captain William Hamman, a senior jumbo jet captain for United Airlines, has apparently been doing both. He really is a pilot.

At the same time (sort of like in Catch Me If You Can) he's been passing himself off as a doctor. Not just any doctor, but a cardiologist. And he's done training courses for the AMA, American College of Caridiology, and FAA. He's done CME lectures at accredited training programs.

Guess what? After many years of doing this, he turns out not to be a doctor at all! He never did residency, or fellowship. He briefly attended medical school in the late 1970's, but dropped out and never graduated.

And it took 30 freakin' years for someone to realize this!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Don.

Today's featured gift

Do you have neck problems? Do you need more support under your head? Are you looking for a way to strangle yourself, but don't know how to tie a noose?

Well, look no further!

Here we have a gadget that you simply strap around your neck and gradually pump up until it reaches the level of asphyxiation and/or comfort desired.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. DO NOT recommend that you have another person inflate this for you. Especially if they are your ex-spouse, or someone who will benefit from your life insurance policy.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

On call- Live the adventure

A nurse called me yesterday because a patient was getting worse, fast. So I ordered a STAT CT scan of her head.

So Ms. Nurse asked if I wanted just a head CT, or a if I'd prefer to do a "Stroke Alert!".

This was a new one to me. She explained that a "Stroke Alert!" is a new protocol developed by my hyperactive colleague, Dr. Nerve. When a "Stroke Alert!" is ordered they automatically do a head CT, EKG, a few labs, and call a Nurse Practitioner who's in the hospital to come assess the patient.

So I said what the hell. Let's do a "Stroke Alert!". She said she'd take care of it, and got off the phone.

Roughly 3 minutes later my cell phone rings again. It's the clerk for that floor.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Clerk: "Yes, I'm calling to tell you that there's a Stroke Alert! in progress in room 52."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes... I ordered it."

Mr. Clerk: "Well, the protocol says we have to immediately notify the neurologist on call for all Stroke Alert! situations."

Dr. Grumpy: "Even if the neurologist is the same person who just ordered it?"

Mr. Clerk: "Look, I'm just following the protocol."

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yet more gifts

Hi, Zuktar the Mighty here, penning a guest column for Dr. G's gift guide.

In the good old days, after vanquishing an opponent, we would celebrate by drinking from their skull. Sure, they leaked a little, and were tricky to grip, but they could hold a lot of wine or espresso, and made a decent insulated container if the coffee were too hot.

But for a modern barbarian, things are different. I mean, that block party tends to empty early if you put skulls next to the punch bowl. And if you hold up a skull at Starbucks and ask the barrista to pour your latte in there, you get some funny looks. Once she collapsed, though luckily a guy dressed as Elvis ran in and saved her.

So what's a 21st century barbarian doing a pencil-pushing desk job to do? Well, fortunately there are options. I can get pen holders made from vertebrae and femurs. These handsome accessories make any desk special.

Particularly when your new boss realizes what happened to the last person who didn't give you a raise.

Click to enlarge

Gifts for the ladies

Diamonds, pearls, and emeralds are so passé and 20th century. Buying jewelry in this era can be such a challenge.
What is it that the modern lady wants as an adornment? Why a necklace with carefully preserved anatomical sections from a bull's penis and testicles of course!

If bull gonads aren't your thing, you can also get pieces of horses and ducks, too.

Of course, some woman prefer bracelets or earrings when displaying dead animals in plastic. Fortunately, you can look here for other tasteful options. Just click on the subcategories.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Stop the presses! Shocking medical research!

Getting hit in the head likely isn't good for you.

Getting in the head repeatedly is probably even worse.

And getting hit hard enough to make you lose consciousness is assumed to be really bad.

Of course, as always, somebody felt the need to prove this. So they studied boxers and found that (GASP!) getting hit in the head repeatedly is bad for you!

Here's the article.

Thank you, Cherie.

Dear Health Monitor magazine,

Thank you for the letter that came this week asking me to remove your pulp rag magazine from my lobby.

(click to enlarge)

A couple points I'd like to make:

1. Your magazine came in freakin' MAY! There's no way my awesome office staff would have left it out there until December to read, anyway.

2. In fact, there's no way it would have made it to the lobby at all. It went into recycling shortly after it arrived. My patients prefer reading "People", "Sports Illustrated", and "Better Homes and Trailers".

3. I'm kind of sorry now that I did toss them, as I'd like to know what sort of "advertiser error" would lead you to recall it 6 months after the fact. Please feel free to comment if it's something juicy.

4. (MOST IMPORTANT). There is a DAMN good reason your magazine should have been recalled (or never published in the first place). The issue in question is the one I already featured on this blog because of the wild-eyed, Haldol-deprived, migraine patient you had on the cover!!!

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Biting my tongue

Mr. Bright: "I had a brain MRI."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have the report?"

Mr. Bright: "No. That's personal information. Why would you need that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm the brain doctor."

Mr. Bright: "You are? Oh, I thought you were a neurologist."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am. Brains are what a neurologist does."

Mr. Bright: "Oh. Well, my regular doctor said it showed nothing."

My inner voice: "I'm sure it did."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

More fine gifts

I use pens in my office, but at home I use pencils for most things (some of you may remember my tribute to an old friend).

I still haven't found a good pencil sharpener, either (the new X-Acto one we got is a POS).

So I was glad to learn of Mr. David Rees. This former political cartoonist quit his job to pursue a lifelong dream of being a professional pencil sharpener. I am not joking.

Now, I can't afford $17 for a hand sharpened pencil, but I have to respect someone for finding a career that hadn't existed before him.

Here's his site. Check it out. Even if you don't buy a pencil, it's worth the entertainment.

(Disclaimer- I don't know Mr. Rees at all, nor was I paid to put this up. But I do like his idea.)

Using the Jedi Mind Trick

Dr. Grumpy: "When did your headaches start?"

Daughter: "6 months after the car accident."

Mrs. Mother: "NO! You mean they started immediately after the car accident!"

Daughter: "I mean they started immediately after the car accident."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Mr. Mesial: "I had another seizure on Sunday morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Mesial: "One of my buddies had a bachelor party on Saturday, and I stayed up late and forgot to take my medication."

Dr. Grumpy: "It sounds like that's the cause."

Mr. Mesial: "Um, actually no. I think it's punishment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Punishment?"

Mr. Mesial: "Well, when I was in church later on I realized it was because I had impure thoughts about the stripper we'd hired."

Near death experience

"I was dying... And then, suddenly, Elvis was standing over me! And then he ran away! And then he got married!"

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Jokes aside, this guy did good.

Thank you, Lauren!

More gift ideas

Toilets. We all use them at least a few times a day.

So why not make it more and start drinking out of one?

Yes, now you too can have the same drinking privileges your dog does!

If you enjoy coffee, experiment with adding different amounts of cream, and guess what GI disturbance they could be.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Yes, I'm a geek

Dear Starbucks,

Due to the cold spell, I stopped off for some hot caffeine this morning, and noticed you were selling a polar bear cookie.

Technically, I think they're polar bear pi. But that's just me.

The price of $1.25 seemed like a good deal. I figured they'd be $3.14.

Yours truly,

Dr. Grumpy

Attention patients!

I'm sorry you were 30 minutes late for your appointment yesterday, and Mary had to reschedule you.

I try to run on time as best I can. I understand that traffic/weather/building collapses are not under your control, but I can't set my entire day back to accommodate you, either.

So I appreciate you being willing to reschedule to next week.

And I understand you having to stop in the lobby bathroom after your prolonged stop behind a broken truck/burning bus/crashed blimp.


When you come out of the john, and notice Mary is busy with a drug rep, YOU SHOULD not sneak back to my exam room in hopes of being seen. I'm not that ignorant of my schedule. When Mrs. Jones and I walked from my office over to my exam room, and found you sitting in there claiming that Mary had told you to go back and wait for me, you looked pretty damn stupid.

Especially since you thought that I'd somehow be less likely to toss you out if you put on a paper gown.

Take your clothes out to the lobby bathroom, get dressed, and I'll see you next week.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Another day at the office

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Cowboy: "My dad was gored by a bull."

Dr. Grumpy: "Anyone have a stroke, or diabetes?"

Mr. Cowboy: "Same bull gored my brother, too."

Dr. Grumpy: "I hope you stay away from him."

Mr. Cowboy: "I ate him."

December 6, 1917

It was World War I.

Gigantic convoys of ships carrying weapons, food, and troops went constantly to Europe, bringing supplies to the Allies. They left from several major Canadian and American ports.

On this day one of them went horribly wrong. And outside of where it happened, it's mostly forgotten.

A large convoy was gathering in Halifax harbor for the trans-Atlantic journey. One ship was a freighter heavily loaded with explosives, the S.S. Mont-Blanc.

At 8:40 that morning, due to a series of mutual errors, she collided with the freighter S.S. Imo.

The Mont-Blanc immediately caught fire. Her crew tried to put it out, but due to its rapid spread were unable to. Scuttling attempts were unsuccessful, and the crew were forced to abandon ship. Someone rang a fire alarm, and several firefighting teams quickly responded to the docks. But with the ship in the harbor, there was little they could to but watch it burn. None of them knew about its cargo.

At 9:04 a.m. the disaster happened.

The ammunition cargo on the Mont-Blanc exploded with the force of 3 kilotons of TNT (roughly 1/5 the strength of the Hiroshima atomic bomb). To this day it remains the largest accidental explosion in human history. Windows were shattered 10 miles away. Objects fell from shelves 80 miles away. The explosion was heard over 200 miles away.

A mushroom cloud and fireball rose over a mile into the air, and a tsunami wave of water, 60 feet high, was sent surging into Halifax. The steamship Imo was picked up and thrown ashore like a toy. Many people (including the firemen) who'd gathered ashore to watch, or were trying to get to the Mont-Blanc to help, simply vanished.

Fire spread through the city. Since it was winter, many homes had furnaces and heating stoves alight, and the shock wave blew them over, spreading heating oil and coal on the ground. Red hot shards of the ship's metal rained everywhere in the city, starting fires in buildings not directly affected by the explosion. A half-ton section of the Mont-Blanc's anchor was thrown over 2 miles into the city, and is now part of a monument. To this day St. Paul's Church has a piece of wreckage embedded in the building.

The city within 1 mile of the entire explosion (326 acres) was utterly destroyed. Buildings, docks, warehouses, homes, and people- all gone in a few seconds. Large fires swept quickly through many city blocks, fueled by winter stores of coal and heating oil. An inferno grew quickly.

Many of Halifax's rescue workers were injured or killed by the explosion, and so the city's ability to react was already impaired. Firefighters from nearby communities came to help- only to find that fire hose and nozzle sizes weren't standardized, and they couldn't connect to the Halifax hydrants. In spite of this, they and surviving local crews worked valiantly to put out the fires, and began rescue efforts of the many trapped under collapsed buildings.

But it was a northern Winter, and darkness came early, along with bitter cold. Rescue workers struggled through the night, chasing voices and moving frozen debris by hand.

The dawn brought light- and a heavy snowstorm. It became the largest blizzard of that decade, dropping 16 inches of snow on Halifax in a few hours. It put out the last of the fires, but also impaired efforts to reach those who were trapped. Many survivors stuck under debris died from exposure while awaiting rescue.

This view overlooking Halifax harbor was taken after the snowstorm. This had previously been a busy neighborhood and business district. Click to enlarge.

All told, roughly 2,000 people died- 600 of them under 15 years of age. Another 6,000 were seriously injured, with 9,000 total wounded. 31,000 more were either homeless or had only minimal shelter. Many of the wounded were blinded by flying glass, and care for them eventually led to new treatments for eye trauma.

Although there were many heroes that awful day, one man stands out. His name was Vince Coleman, and he was a railway dispatcher ashore. When he learned of the burning ammunition ship, he realized that a loaded passenger train was on it's way to the waterfront depot, and would be there in a few minutes. Instead of saving himself, he ran to the telegraph key and quickly tapped out "Stop trains. Munitions ship on fire. Approaching Pier 6. Goodbye." He was killed a few seconds later in the explosion, and is credited with saving at least 300 lives.

Local hospitals overflowed with the dying and wounded, and anyone with medical training was pressed into work. The overtaxed Canadians were assisted by medical crews from American and British warships that had gathered for the convoy. An old ocean liner was turned into a hospital ship overnight. Other medical responders arrived, sent from all over Nova Scotia to assist.

Word of the disaster reached America in a few hours, and the state of Massachusetts rapidly organized a relief effort. All available trains in Boston were frantically loaded with food, medical supplies, shelter materials, and volunteer rescuers and medical personnel. The first train left Boston the night of the explosion, chugging through the same blizzard that was impairing relief efforts, and arriving roughly 30 hours later. It was followed by many other trains from all over Eastern Canada and America. The supplies and workers they brought are credited with keeping the death toll from going higher.

It's been 93 years since the tragedy, and the American assistance hasn't been forgotten. To this day Nova Scotia annually chooses it's finest Christmas tree and sends it as a gift to the city of Boston. This is the tree that stands in Boston Common every holiday season, remembering assistance in a time of need.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sunday morning

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Insulin: "Hi, I'm a diabetic, and my blood sugar has been out-of-control today."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm your neurologist. Why don't you call your internist?"

Mr. Insulin: "His number is out in my car, and it's too cold to go out and get it."

When I see...

I seen a peanut stand
Heard a rubber band
I seen a needle that winked its eye
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

I seen a front porch swing
Heard a diamond ring
I seen a polka-dot railroad tie
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

I saw a clothes horse, rear up and buck
And they tell me that a man once made a vegetable truck
(I didn't see that, I only heard
But just to be sociable, I'll take your word)

I heard a fireside chat, I saw a baseball bat
And I just laughed till I thought I'd die
But I be done seen 'bout everything
When I see a elephant fly

Happy birthday, Walt Disney!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

More gift ideas

It's been another great Christmakuh party. The fireplace is going, you and your loved ones are relaxing after a great meal, there's a game on TV.

What better way to spend time with friends than to throw feces at each other?

Of course, real feces are messy and unsanitary. So those of you who enjoy this popular sport now have another option.

(click to enlarge)

Yes, with Doody-Head you can now throw artificial stool at each other, without having to worry about messy clean up, unpleasant smells, or health code violations. Order yours today!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Afternoon at the Fights

Dr. Grumpy: "Any new issues?"

Mr. Patient: "Nope. I'm doing fine."

Lady Patient: "The hell you are!"

Mr. Patient: "Fine. Then you talk to the doctor."

Lady Patient: "Your driving is terrible!"

Mr. Patient: "My driving is fine."

Lady Patient: "Doctor, he drives too slowly."

Mr. Patient: "At least I know how to drive!"

Lady Patient: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Mr. Patient: "You can take it however you want."

Lady Patient: "I'm not the patient here!"

Mr. Patient: "Maybe you should be."

Not helpful

Mr. Corpuscle: "I had some blood tests at the lab last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you know what they showed?"

Mr. Corpuscle: "They haven't called me. It looked red, though."

More Medical Research

War zone.

The phrase immediately brings to mind explosions in the background. Shell holes. Cries of the dying and wounded. The sound of gunfire, off in the distance (I'm getting used to it now).

Definitely not the kind of place where you'd go for a good night sleep.

At least, that's what I think. I mean, given a choice between a war zone and my bedroom here in quiet Grumpyville, I think I'd sleep better here. In a scientific poll (okay, I asked my kids) 100% of respondents agreed you'd likely sleep better at home than in an active military operations area.

Of course, someone had to prove this.

So, in a study involving over 41,000 soldiers, they compared sleeping habits at home to sleeping habits in war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan.

They found that soldiers in war zones don't sleep as well as those at home.

In a breakdown of groups, soldiers who'd been directly involved in recent combat situations had more trouble sleeping than non-combatants.

Here's the complete story.

Thank you, NLK!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

There goes my office overhead

We generally take the sun for granted. It rises and sets pretty reliably, and is a relatively ordinary star.

But let's face it: We're here because it's there. If it were to burn out tomorrow, AND we had the capacity to use all wood, oil, nuclear fuel, etc. (including what's still underground) we could keep the planet warm enough to support life for maybe 72 hours. Maybe.

But it's always been free. Until now.

Ms. Angeles Duran, of Spain, has registered herself as the owner of the sun. Really.

She claims that while international treaties forbid nations from owning stellar objects, individuals may do so. So she went to a local notary and registered herself as the sole (sol?) owner of a very large furnace, currently located 93,000,000 miles from her.

She says she's going to start charging the rest of us for using her property.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Kayden.

More gift ideas

You've overdone it at the luau. You had WAY too much pineapple, roast pork, poi, rum, and cheap beer.

And the pork was sitting out far too long when you went back for thirds, and now you've got salmonella. With serious gastrointestinal disturbances of the type not portrayed on dinner plates.

So what should you use while spending a few hours in the bathroom? Not just any old toilet paper, but Luau TP!

Yes, for only $2.99/roll you can have festive luau-themed toilet paper to remind you why you're in this situation in the first place.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Good thing they didn't steal cucumbers

4 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of jeans, 1 wallet, several gloves.

Sounds like a decent amount of stuff, huh?

Believe it or not, 2 women who were shoplifting actually stole all that by hiding it in the fat folds of their breasts, bellies, and armpits!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Amanda & Carol, for sending this in.

Great office moments

Dr. Pissy: "You going to pick up your kids?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, I have to stop at the deli first."

Dr. Pissy: "Why?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the first night of Hanukkah, I need to pick up potato pancakes for dinner."

Dr. Pissy: "That sounds good. You bringing any in tomorrow for us?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Dr. Pissy: "That's not very christian of you."

Air traffic control

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Yeah, I have an appointment there at 9:00, and I don't see your name on the directory."

Mary: "What building are you in?"

Mrs. Compass: "Medical #5."

Mary: "Okay, we're in Medical #1, on the 6th floor. If you go out to the parking lot and face east, it's the big white building."

Mrs. Compass: "Okay, I'm on my way." (click)

(3 minutes later)

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Yeah, I can't find your building."

Mary: "Where are you now?"

Mrs. Compass: "In the parking lot, facing west."

Mary: "We're behind you. Turn around. It's the big white building."

Mrs. Compass: "Oh! I see you! On the way." (click)

(3 minutes later)

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Compass: "Um, I think I got turned around and lost in the parking lot."

Mary: (sigh) "Okay, where are you?"

Mrs. Compass: "Facing your building. It's the reddish colored one."

Mary: "No, that's not our building... Hang on..." (walks to window) "What are you wearing?"

Mrs. Compass: "A red sweater, and a black baseball cap."

Mary: "Can you wave your arms and jump up or down or something... Okay! I see you. Turn to your left. No, I mean your other left. Yes. Now do you see the big white building?"

Mrs. Compass: "Oh! It's right in front of me!"

(at this point Dr. Pissy, the rest of the staff, and I were all standing at the window, in hysterics, while Mary tried not to lose her composure)

Mary: "Great! Just walk straight toward us!"

(Lady in red sweater and baseball cap walks about 10 feet toward us, then turns around and goes back the other way)

Mary: "Stop! Turn around!"

Mrs. Compass: "I thought you said I had to go east?"

Mary: "Yes, but now you're going west."

Mrs. Compass: "Are you sure?"

Mary: "Promise. Just turn around and walk toward the white building."

A few minutes later her flight landed successfully at my office. As she was filling out the paperwork, she said "You know, I started out in this building, too, and noticed your name on the directory. But I was sure you were in building #5, so I figured it was another Dr. Grumpy, and left."

The First Night

The official Grumpy family Christmakuh tree is up, and I want to wish my Jewish readers a very happy Hanukkah!

Last January, trying to get some deals on leftovers, Mrs. Grumpy and I hit a Mikasa outlet store after the holidays.

Mrs. Grumpy: "Do you have any Hanukkah stuff?"

Clerk: "No, we only carry Mikasa."

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Swinging Lawyers, P.C.

In the mail today was a letter from one of my patient's lawyers.

The letterhead gave me the giggles.

While you quickly realize all the ways this would make perfect sense, the human mind always leaps to the worst.

It said:

Smuckers & Welch, P.C.

Adam Q. Smuckers
Phillip N. Welch
Susan R. Smuckers-Welch

Justifiable homicide

I was seeing a new patient, and as usual had a can of Diet Coke on my desk. Yesterday afternoon, for variety, it was the kind with lime.

Mr. Manners: "It hurts when I climb stairs, and... Hey, how is that lime-flavored Diet Coke? I've never tried it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I like it, I go back and forth between it, regular Diet Coke, and..."

Mr. Manners reaches over, picks up my Diet Coke, and freakin' DRINKS SOME!

Mr. Manners: "Hey! That is good! I'll have to buy some."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uhhh, you can keep that one."

Mr. Manners: "Really? Thanks, doc! Anyway, sometimes the foot goes numb and..."

Monday, November 29, 2010

Patient quote of the day

"I have an excellent sense of smell. I can especially smell vanilla. My husband and I once measured it, and found I can smell an open bottle of vanilla from 8 3/4 miles away."

'Tis the season

Yes, folks, Christmakuh, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and Solstice are fast approaching, and it's time for

(drumroll please...)

The Dr. Grumpy Guide to Holiday Shopping!

I'd like to thank the catalog companies who have inundated my home with their wares, and the readers who have sent in ideas, to help me guide you.

This tradition started last year because patients routinely call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!), so I figure many of you are dying to do the same.

So I'm here to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the best gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Last year's most (un)popular item, based on comments, was this tasteful set of mens' clothes. In all honesty, I'm not sure I'll be able to top them, but will try.

So, to kick off your holiday shopping, I'm starting with 2 exquisite items, both from the same site.

Artist Leah Piepgras (who I don't know at all) apparently felt the world needed a set of dishes displaying the human digestive tract. Each place setting features 5 dishes, with individual pictures of various organs "from mouth to anus". Her site lists them as an "exercise in mindfulness", though I personally see it as a way to encourage dieting.

This, for example, is the dinner plate featuring intestines.

To see the rest of these awesome plates, or even to order your own set, you can visit her site. Move your cursor over the plates to see the different anatomy pics.

Not into dinnerware? Well, Ms. Piepgras also has a lovely silver necklace available. Namely this:

Yes, I know you're wondering "What the heck is that?"

Well, according to her site, it's "an accurate representation of semen" (REALLY!) in case you enjoy looking like someone just ejaculated on your sternal notch. She has 2 different blob-o-semen shapes available. Both can be viewed here.

The donor is uncredited.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Saturday night, 10:54 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Tech: "Yeah, I'm calling from Local Lab about your patient, Hugh Neverheardofhim. His sodium is 114, and his potassium is..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This isn't my patient."

Mr. Tech: "Well, your phone number is on the order. Aren't you Dr. Grumpy, the nephrologist?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm a neurologist."

Mr. Tech: "Whatever. I'm just notifying you of your patient's abnormal labs."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's not my patient! You've got the wrong doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Okay, who should I call now?"

Dr. Grumpy: "His kidney doctor!"

Mr. Tech: "Do you know his number?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No! I don't even know who it is."

Mr. Tech: "Can you look it up for me?"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Dear Family Fun magazine,

Earlier this week Mrs. Grumpy was reading your November issue for Thanksgiving ideas.

As she looked through the pages she came across your instructions for the "Tossing Turkey" game, and how to make the toy drumstick.

The reason she brought it to my attention was that the diagram in the upper right corner seemed, uh, somewhat X-rated.

(click to enlarge)

Friday, November 26, 2010


So Mrs. Grumpy and I enjoyed our day off by (drumroll please)...


(I know, we're a wild and crazy pair)

During my nap, I dreamed I was looking through a catalog of childrens' clothes, and there was a line of "oversize" clothes by a company called "Because your kid is fat!"

I thought this was so incredibly tasteless, I tore out the page, and was going to scan it in so I could use it on the blog.

Then I woke up, and was incredibly disappointed to realize there was no such clothing line, and so no blog post.

That is so pathetic.

Friday morning

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Hi, I had an appointment with you last month, and I need to come in again."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, my office is closed today. Can I have Mary call you on Monday?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I need to see you today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, the office is closed, but you've got me on the phone. What can I do for you?"

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, but on the phone, how do I know it's you? I mean, you could be a phone operator or something. I really want to talk to the doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I promise it's Dr. Grumpy, and I have your chart in front of me. What's up?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm not comfortable with this. I think I'll just go to ER." (click)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy, writing for Thanksgiving.

When I was 5, my family lived in Massachusetts. My dad was a graduate student at the time, my mother was raising 3 kids. Dad worked 2 jobs, AND was an amateur boxer, to support us.

That winter we ran out of money. I didn't have a coat for school, and my parents couldn't afford one. My mom would dress me in multiple layers of her shirts to send me to school.

Somehow, through our church, word got out that there was a little girl who needed a coat. A family out there bought me a brand new one in my size, and donated it through the church.

I still don't know who they are, or how they heard about me. But it was warm, and fit me perfectly, and was my favorite coat EVER. It was still in good shape when I gave it to another family in need. By that time we weren't living in Massachusetts anymore.

Whoever you are who bought me that coat so long ago, thank you. It made all the difference in the world to me. And still does.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Great drug rep moments

"Hi, Dr. Grumpy. It's good to see you. Thank you for signing for samples. I hope you've been doing okay. How are your kids? My son is getting divorced. But that's fine, because I never liked her. Is this going to be enough samples for you? I wish the company would give us more. We also have the new 50mg pills, I don't have any here, but will send you some info. Are you ready for the holidays? My company is doing layoffs. I have no idea if I'll have this job in a month. I'm bringing lunch next week. Do you like turkey? I thought about getting some, but I think that would be overkill. Don't you? My daughter hates turkey, but she has all kinds of food allergies. I bet she got them from my ex, because there isn't anything right about him. She's interested in going into medicine, too. Do you have any advice for her? I can bring sandwiches instead. I found a new place I like, but they toast the bread, and not everyone likes that. I'll ask if they can leave some plain. This drug, by the way, is now on first tier with all major insurance plans. Which plans do you take? A friend of mine should probably see you, I'll have to find out what insurance she's on. Thank you for your time, and I'll see you next week."

November 24, 1931

Ghost ships are the stuff of legends and Halloween stories. But some ghosts are real...

The S.S. Baychimo

The Baychimo was a small, sturdy, freighter owned by the Hudson Bay Company. Her job was to travel the coast of Victoria Island in the Canadian arctic, trading supplies with the local Inuit people for valuable fur pelts. She worked during the area's brief open water season (July to September) spending the rest of the year in Vancouver.

The winter of 1931 came early, and Baychimo was frozen in ice several times while returning home. By mid-October she was stuck fast near Point Barrow, Alaska. Most of her crew were evacuated by aircraft (the first time a long-range air rescue was accomplished).

The Baychimo trapped in ice, November, 1931.

A group of hardy souls decided to stay with her until the spring thaw, as they'd collected a particularly valuable fur cargo that year. They built a shelter ashore, and settled in for several months of night.

On November 24 an exceptionally violent blizzard struck, surprising even the arctic veterans with its ferocity. In the morning, mountains of ice 70 feet high were piled where the ship had been. The Baychimo was gone, crushed under tons of ice and snow and sent to the bottom.

Or so they thought...

The men radioed for rescue, but it would take a few days. As they waited a passing Inupiat told them the ship was adrift several miles down the coast. They set out on foot, finding her again trapped in ice. They took as many pelts as they could before returning to the shelter. Another violent storm was coming, and they assumed it would sink her.

The Baychimo had other ideas.

The second storm pushed her out of the ice and into the open sea, free to wander the icy north alone.

Over the next several years she was infrequently seen, and rarely boarded. Some of the valuable furs were even removed. But no one was able to bring her in. Attempts to restart her engines failed, and storms (which some claimed the ship had summoned) always drove would-be salvagers away. In one harrowing case a group of Inupiat boarded her, only to have a sudden storm trap them on the derelict for 10 days.

She was seen every few years, and each time the assumption was made that it would be the last. Only to have her show up again. Scientists, hunters, and fishermen. Inupiat tribe members. Russian, American, & Canadian ships and planes. All reported her at one time or another as she wandered the Arctic waters.

She was last seen in the Beaufort Sea in 1969, having survived 38 years afloat and alone in one of the world's harshest environments.

Today it's assumed she's at the bottom, and I suspect they're right. But who knows? Alaska has begun trying to catalog the estimated 4000 wrecks along the state's shores, and maybe she'll be found.

Or maybe not.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again

So many people these days give up too easily. They try something once, it doesn't work, and so they don't bother to do it again.

It was therefore refreshing to read this news story, about an enterprising gentleman who was willing to try something a second time, after the first hadn't worked out.

Here's the link.

Thank you, Jennifer!

Order! Order in the court!

Mr. Old: "I can't run as fast. I play tennis 5 days a week, and my serve isn't as strong as it was years ago."

Dr. Grumpy: "Dave, you're 85. You can't expect to be the same person you were years ago. None of us can. The fact that you're as healthy and active as you are at 85 is remarkable in itself."

Lady Old: "Dave, listen to the doctor. We're both getting old. We need to accept that, and be glad for what we have."

Mr. Old: "OH! Like you're one to talk!"

Lady Old: "What do you mean by that?"

Mr. Old: "You're the one getting your boobs fixed, or some other procedure, every other month!"

Lady Old: "That's different! It's for my self esteem! So I don't feel old!"

Mr. Old: "It isn't any different! And your boob jobs and stuff are a hell of a lot more expensive than a round of tennis!"

Lady Old "Leave my breasts out of this! This is your appointment!"

Mr. Old "It's not like you ever let me go to yours!"

Monday, November 22, 2010

Nutritional supplements

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you on any medications?"

Mr. Farmdee: "No. I only take supplements that I get from my other doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "What supplements?"

Mr. Farmdee: "Um... I think they're called Coumadin, Cardizem, and Zoloft."

Monday morning incontinence

Over the weekend they were doing a CPR class in my office building. I saw them bringing the resuscitation dummies in on Friday afternoon.

This morning I got to the building, parked, and sleepily walked to the elevator.

The door opened, revealing a head and torso - separated from each other - lying in it.

After my pulse returned to normal, I called the hospital to let them know they'd left one of the dummies in the building, and where to find it.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday reruns

I'm busy with all kinds of junk today, so thought I'd re-post this one. It was from the days when I was my only reader.

First, let me say that I'm an experienced hiker. When I was in residency I'd hike all over, regardless of time of year. I've hiked pretty much all terrain short of tundra. I've hiked to mountaintops in temperatures of 110 degress. I'm well aware of what precautions have to be taken, supplies carried, amount of water, and other emergency precautions.

So I recently took Craig on a Boy Scout hike. I'm not a member of the den or any of that stuff. I'm just a parent who went on the hike with my kid. They told us to bring water, so I grabbed 2 of my old hiking bottles and we each took one, and some other junk, and took off.

The hike in total was a 2 mile round trip in a well maintained, ranger-patrolled, trail area.

We got to the meeting place, and I was AMAZED at what people were carrying for this pissy little hike on a surprisingly nice day. Water by the truckload. Cases of granola. Two people had backpacks with tents in them (no, rain was NOT forecast, or even suspected). Another guy was carrying a little coleman stove with a gas container (but no food to cook on it). There was a lady dragging a cooler with wheels on it, loaded with water (even though everyone had their own water bottle). Another bozo was even packing a BB gun, assumedly in case we ran into some dangerous, aggressive fauna, like a rabbit.

The leader was a guy in his late 50's with a beer belly, wearing a boy scout uniform. I have to say that nothing could possibly look more dorky on an adult male (not to mention a paunchy one). They say women love a man in uniform, but I don't think that's the uniform they mean.

So the leader introduces himself, and says he'll take the front of the line, and his grandson, who had been an Eagle scout, will be the back of the line. At that point he gestured to his grandson, who was a sullen, glaring, teenager with multiple piercings, a few tatoos, and a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. He was mumbling into a cell phone and exuded a sense that he would rather be having his nuts chopped off than following his dorky looking grandfather around on a hike.

And off we went. 40 people and enough supplies to survive a nuclear war, for a 2 mile hike (NOT a "3 hour tour"). It was scenic and fun, and took about an hour. The only unexpected happening was when we wandered out of the grandson's cell phone range and he began screaming bloody murder. The lady with the cooler offered him a bottle of water to cheer him up.

I was walking ahead of 2 dentists, who spent the time discussing different drilling techniques, the most pus they've ever seen in a dental abscess, and other interesting topics.

And so, at the end of this, we had to fill out a form for my son to get his hiking badge. As I've learned in the last year, the Boy Scouts award badges for the most mediocre of accomplishments, such as a 2 mile hike, attending a rodeo, or breathing. I think the badges would be more meaningful if they were for more challenging things, such as swimming the Amazon, kayaking over waterfalls, and hand-to-hand grizzly combat.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Dear Mrs. Tremor,

I apologize for the misunderstanding concerning your medication.

When I wrote: "Take 1 each morning after you wake up", I meant to take it when you wake up, first thing in the morning, and are getting up for the day.

I DID NOT mean for you to take it when you get up to pee at 3:00 a.m., and are going back to bed. Or when you nod off after breakfast for 5 minutes, then wake up again. Or if you lie down for a nap after lunch and then wake up at 2:00 p.m. (which isn't in the morning anyway).

Thank you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Urgent matters

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd like to start you on this medication because..."

I looked up. Mary is in the doorway. She never interrupts me when I'm with a patient unless it's urgent.

ary: "Dr. Unka, from down the hall, is on the phone. Says he needs to talk to you right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thanks, Mary. Sorry, ma'am, let me just take this call." (picks up phone) "Hello?"

Dr. Unka: "Ibee, I've been meaning to tell you that your office door slams too loudly."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I..."

Dr. Unka: "It's really distracting. Can you please call the building people to do something about it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure..."

Dr. Unka: "Thank you." (hangs up).

Can't argue with that

Last night I was reading EEGs at the hospital. They always have a patient form attached, to give you some background on why they're having the test.

So last night I found this.

(click to enlarge)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

Just read this. Keep reading. It's worth it.

Thank you, Kim!


Mrs. Senior: "I can remember exactly when my migraines started."

Dr. Grumpy: "And when was that?"

Mrs. Senior: "I guess when I was younger."

Why my staff hates me

Annie: "Sandy Hormone just called. She said you found a tiny aneurysm on her MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it's too small to do anything about, so I'm just going to repeat the study in 6 months to see if it's changed."

Annie: "She wants to know if it's okay for her to have sex with the aneurysm?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Only if it pays for dinner."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My current patient and her husband...

Have just started arguing over which of them sneezes more loudly.

Where do I find these people?

CanUSA, land of idiot crooks

Yes, once again proving that stupidity and crime don't mix, we have this bozo from Ottawa.

While robbing a convenience store at knifepoint, he tripped and fell ON HIS OWN KNIFE, and is currently in critical condition.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Alison!

Mary's Desk, November 16, 2010

(guy walks in, stands at counter)

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I have an appointment today with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sure... Wait. Sir, your appointment was last Monday. You missed it."

Mr. Gregorian: "No, it would be this Monday, because we went on daylight savings time this month."

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Anatomy 101

Maybe I'm just a dumb old neurologist, and I sure don't know much about candy, but this here picture ain't lookin' right to me.

From Fail Blog.

Dear Dr. Imed,

Thank you for your referral of Mrs. Panik,

I'm writing and faxing you this expedited letter, and also left a message with your secretary, as I want to explain what happened yesterday. I'm sure you'll be hearing Mrs. Panik's side of the story soon enough.

My secretary, Mary, has a daughter who is a few years younger then mine. As a result, we give Mary our hand-me-downs when our kids outgrow them. This has been a satisfactory arrangement on all sides for several years (my kids get their hand-me-downs from my sister's kids).

So yesterday I brought in some things for Mary, but due to a busy day forgot to give them to her.

During my appointment with Mrs. Panik I went to get a blood pressure cuff. In doing so I accidentally knocked over the bag of clothes, spilling little girl Disney Princess undies all over the floor.

As I picked them up, Mrs. Panik suddenly stood up and accused me of being a pedophile. She wouldn't listen to my explanation, and said she didn't want to continue the appointment.

So far we haven't received any calls from the local police, but I wanted to alert you of this misunderstanding in case Mrs. Panik calls you.

Yours truly,

Ibee "Not a pedophile, I swear" Grumpy, M.D.

Monday, November 15, 2010

More great crooks

Okay, here's another tip for you budding criminals out there:

If you're planning on robbing a pharmacy (or pretty much anything) you should generally pick a getaway car that DOES NOT have your name on the license plate.

Unlike this bozo.

Thank you, Rebecca, for sending this in.

Weekend calls

Look, Mr. Ohseedee, the prescription I wrote you on Friday is for "Tylenol #3, 20 pills".

It DOES NOT say "Tylenol, 320 pills". I'm looking at my copy right now.

I'm well aware that Tylenol doesn't need a prescription. You don't need to tell me that. I swear, I would NOT have written you a prescription for regular Tylenol.

So there was no need to call me all freaking weekend to argue about it.

Just take it to the pharmacy if you won't take my word for it. They'll tell you the same thing.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

You're almost out of time. Play with this.

While doing Christmakuh shopping last night, I saw this in the store.

Does anyone else think it needs a better name?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Is it hot down here? Or is it just me?

I'd like to thank PJ for bringing this important research to my attention.

In an effort to settle the question of whether or not laptop computers contribute to infertility, a research group attached temperature sensors to volunteers' scrotums and recorded how they changed when using a laptop. They did this with & without lap pads, and in various sitting positions.

How come these articles never say how much they paid the volunteers?

Here's the link.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Oh, for crying out loud!

Mr. Teevee: "I also want an ultrasound."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you want an ultrasound?"

Mr. Teevee: "I once saw it featured on the news for something."

Full service neurology

Dr. Grumpy: "When did the leg begin hurting?"

Mr. Sprint: "I'd just climbed down the ladder when..." (cell phone rings) "Sorry, Doc, hang on."
(answers phone) "Yeah? Oh, hi Pete. Uh-huh. I have no idea. I mean, I've got $4,000 in that account and need to transfer it. Yeah. Hold on, Pete, let me get some advice. Hey, Doc, for retirement what are you recommending right now? Roth IRA's? And what mutual funds are you telling people to invest in right now?"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Veteran's Day, 2010

This is my Grandfather. His name was Martin. He died in 2001, and I was fortunate to know him.

He was born in Poland, but his family was living in Austria when Hitler came to power. As Jews, the family knew they had to leave, and pooled their money to send the smartest child (his name was Irving) to America, with instructions to find a way to make a living in America, FAST, and then bring them all over one by one. Irving was 19 years old at the time, and only knew 1 distant cousin in the U.S.

Somehow he did it. That's a story in itself.

World War II was only a few month away when it was Marty's turn. He remembered being on an immigrant ship when it was stopped and searched by a Danish warship, and the passenger's fear that it might be a German ship coming to turn them back if war had broken out.

Many family members didn't get out, and vanished from history. Lost anonymously in a death camp, with millions of others.

Marty joined the family in Chicago. To gain citizenship quickly he volunteered for the Army, and served through the war. Because of his German background he wasn't allowed at the front, as there was concern about loyalty. He was stationed at Camp Pendleton, in California, guarding against a Japanese invasion that never came.

After the military he went through the struggles of returning to normalcy, at different times working as a fur salesman, a door-to-door vacuum salesman, and finally finding his career at a clock factory. He had 2 children, one of which is my mother (Hi, Mom!).

Thank you, veterans everywhere.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Boy, am I thirsty

I NEVER drink water from the toilet.

Blackdog doesn't seem to mind doing so, but I personally don't think it sounds healthy.

A scientific poll of the office staff, and a few drug reps and patients, found that 100% of people I saw today agreed that toilets should not, except under extreme circumstances, be considered a source of drinking refreshment.

Apparently, though, this isn't as common a belief as I'd like to think it is.

The city of Chandler, Arizona, has unveiled their new city hall building, which (I SWEAR!) includes signs in the bathrooms specifically telling people NOT TO DRINK FROM THE TOILET!!!

Here's the story. And thank you, Lee, for sending this in.

Mary's Desk, November 10, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Poll: "Yeah, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Certainly. We can see you on Friday, or..."

Mr. Poll: "Hang on. Did he vote Republican or Democrat in last week's election?"

Mary: "I don't know. That's his business."

Mr. Poll: "I refuse to make an appointment until I know which side he's on."

Mary: "That's his private business."

Mr. Poll: "Goodbye, then." (hangs up).
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